Thursday 30 June 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For July: Jem


Name
Jem

Nicknames
Coutros Coutros Ghali, Princess Di, Little @$%!£$

Age
3

Owner
Cat. Confusing, isn’t it?

Catchphrase?
I like to go for a basic ‘Maow’ at ever-increasing volumes, accompanied by the all-important Princess Diana sad eyes.

Favourite habits?
Darting between legs into rooms I’m not allowed in, writhing around on the kitchen floor, getting people to fall madly in love with me.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
I find that an evening isn’t complete without head-butting Cat’s arm to make her spill scalding tea on her lap. If I ever tire of that, I will truly be tired of life.

Favourite food?
Cupcakes, preferably toffee and pecan. I’ve never actually eaten one of these tasty morsels, but that’s not for want of trying. Ooh and I do like a nice bit of parma ham once in a while.

Defining moment of your life?
The epic car journey from London to Edinburgh last year. Imagine, if you will, Frodo’s quest in Lord of the Rings. But with fewer elves and wizards and silliness.

Any enemies?
Heavens, no! But I have, however, noticed a couple of books lying around the house: The Perfect Puppy and Before & After Getting Your Puppy. Surely this must be some kind of sick joke? I’ll get back to you in a couple of weeks and let you know.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
In any civilized world, all floors should be carpeted. There’s nothing more demeaning than cornering like a bad cartoon when chasing my sister from one room to another.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Princess Diana, God rest her soul. But I suppose I’ll have to settle for that Kate Middleton. Her hair is almost as glossy as mine. We could swap grooming tips.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Janet, dammit. He was a prince among cats. AND SO VERY HANDSOME!

Biography
My sister and I arrived in the world and were swiftly abandoned on a shop roof. Sadly I can’t remember which shop, but I like to think it was Selfridges. If anyone tells you it was a mobile phone kiosk next door to Chicken Cottage, they are LYING.
Luckily the lovely people at Celia Hammond came to our rescue and took us to a magical place called Lewisham. Where we waited. And waited. And waited some more. For some reason all the other cats were picked before us. Scout blamed me, of course, but it’s not my fault I’m missing half a leg, is it?!
After three long months Cat came along, I pulled the old Princess Diana eyes trick and the rest, as they say, is history. Some other things have happened since then, but you’ll have to wait for the impending New York Times bestselling official biography to find out the juicy details.




For more info on Jem's human's work, go to www.catclarke.com

Sunday 5 June 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For June: Liam



Name
Liam

Nicknames
Hahm

Age
An august nine years

Owners
One Clyn. Graduate, scribbler, incapable of disciplining me.

Catchphrase?
I recently unleashed the full force of my ''MRAK'' bark. The reaction from the humans and next door's idiot dog made all those hours of practice totally worth it.

Favourite habits?
During a mouse infestation I realised that catching a rodent brought me extravagant praise. Now every so often I'll test the water by bringing a toy mouse over to a human, dropping it at their feet, and looking up expectantly.
Sometimes I'll deign to notice the fluffy new toy someone's bought for me and spend up to three minutes throwing it around, carrying it over to my food bowl and giving it a quiff by virtue of my vigorous washing. Then I'll bat it somewhere inaccessible and strut away. I am a complex being.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
First of all, I stare pointedly at the empty fireplace until one of the humans sets a fire. Then I'll stop abruptly in the midst of washing and stare fixedly at a spot on the wall indistinguishable from any other patch of wall in the room. If someone's reading a newspaper, I will slink over and pounce on their hand before they finish turning the page. If someone is on a laptop, I will stand on it and unleash my thoughts onto the interwebs. If someone is sitting where I wsh to sit, I will call on the powers of Thundera to concentrate all of my weight onto one small paw, and press it on their leg. In the frozen North, we make our own entertainment.

Favourite food?
Well, Iams is a reliable favourite, but you don't get to my age without taking care of yourself. I supplement my diet with green beans, peas, sweetcorn, expensive ice-cream, and cheese and onion crisps. Only the flavouring, mind you. I leave the soggy, misshapen former-crisp on the rug for the humans to deal with. Often Clyn will forget and stand on it. I live for these moments.

Defining moment of your life?
I was given a fluffy toy hedgehog to cuddle up to at night in case I missed my brother. Some time after this - far too soon, damn you - I made my first big trip to the vet to ensure I remained in a state of perpetual kittenhood. As the vet reached into the cat carrier, he grasped something small and furry. Yes, gentle reader, I had pushed my toy hedgehog towards him. Sadly, he was not fooled a second time.

Any enemies?
The gerbil used to taunt me by kicking his food over me while I slept, or sticking his tail out of his cage and wiggling his bottom in my direction, like a Frenchman. When he was allowed out to run around in his sphere the little pig would make a beeline for me, but I outlived him. And so perish all my enemies. Except that tomcat from the farm from down the road. Damn creature took a bit of my ear, what what. I soon sent him packing.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Catflaps on every door. Humans are notoriously thick and require everything to be pointed out to them. It's not like there's much going on at 3am anyway, so I fail to grasp why they can't open the doors on my first request.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Christopher Walken. The man has a certain feline grace. He is my spirit animal. Oh, or Morrissey. I heard Q magazine once asked him why he'd been away for so long, and he replied 'I have a very demanding cat.'

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
RALPH. RALPH RALPH RALPH.

Biography
I was born under a bad sign, left out in the cold. I'm a lonely m- wait, that's not it. Supposed runt of the litter, I proved myself proficient at climbing curtains at a very young age. I enjoy exploring, sleeping in a variety of interesting places, and laughing at lonely hearts adverts in the Guardian.