Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Sunday, 11 September 2011

The Internal Monologue Of Cats

"This is f**ing great. I hate it." - the internal monologue of cats, most of the time

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Monday, 5 September 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For September: Kozy



Koze, Kozepops, Kozemeister, The Captain, Whiskers McMiaowington, Fluffpants, Fatpants, Poopface, Chewy Cheeks.

Dawn & Iain


Favourite Habits?
Stroking Iain’s ‘face carpet’ with my claws. Brushing Dawn’s hair with my claws (between hours of 3-5am). Walking in a wobbily fashion along the headboard of the bed (between hours of 5-7am), Pigeon Patrol (always on call). Sleeping. Striking a pose. Snoring. Sleeping (so deeply that people poke me to make sure I’m alive. Annoying.). Licking paperbacks (doesn’t everyone?)

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Telling Dawn and Iain about my day, loudly and at great length. After dinner I like to “work the room” (aka jumping on a seat as soon as the occupant stands up even if it’s just for a millisecond, or staring at them so menacingly that they feel too uncomfortable to remain seated.) Naturally my tastes lean towards theatre but I make do with reality police shows ‘Cats with Cameras’ and ‘Traffic Cats’ and very much enjoy an episode of ‘Midsomer Murders’.

Favourite Food?
Tuna. Whiskas’ Temptations. Tuna. Dreamies (treats). Tuna.

Defining moment of your life?
I came from humble beginnings in a less than salubrious Edinburgh suburb, and ended up in a ‘rescue facility’. I spent my time inside working out, and honing my acting and “nuggin” skills to perfection, eventually the gullible fools (Dawn & Iain) fell for it. For six years I have domineered their lives and things are ticking along nicely (apart from a recent ill-judged attempt at teaching me to ‘high-five’. Imbeciles.)

Any Enemies?
Ironing boards. Bin bags. Tinfoil. Imbeciles. Pigeons.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Create more roles for cats in popular TV dramas. Head-butt Duncan Bannatyne until he invested in my patented 24hour non-stop Whiskas’ Temptations dispenser.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
I think, for a meeting of great minds, it would have to be The Bear. I would challenge him to a quizzical stare-off. But, hmm, Ralph and his sideburns have a certain debonair charm…which I find very pleasing.

I am a handsome black & white cat, with a strong, much copied look (I’m talking to you Felix). I’ll gloss over the early years, during which my talents and obvious good looks went unnoticed. I’ve lived with Dawn & Iain in Edinburgh for 6 years and they cater to my needs adequately, although there could always be more tuna on the menu. Although I don’t seek to be centre of attention, there have been a few ‘incidents’... Once the flat flooded and I was paddling paw deep in water before anyone came home to save me. Once the ceiling collapsed and Iain had to dig through the rubble with his bare hands to find me. I was obviously under the bed. He is a fool. Once I went under the floorboards and pretended I was stuck. Iain ripped up half the floor to get me out. He is a fool. And yes, I do all my own stunts.

Saturday, 3 September 2011