Saturday, 17 December 2011

Cat-Related Thought Of The Day, 18.12.2011

If cats could speak, they'd probably do so in a low voice, not quite intelligible, but loud enough for you to know they'd insulted you.

Friday, 16 December 2011

The Ten Best Cat Clips Of 2011











Christopher Hitchens (RIP) On The Difference Between Dogs And Cats

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realise that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”

Monday, 28 November 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For November: Biscuit, REAL LIFE Neighbour Of The Under The Paw Cats

Miss Ginger Biscuit

Madam Sausage, Porkalina, Miss Pook, Alter Ego, the occasional appearance of Garibaldi Biscuit, a suspiciously good natured cat who appears and then disappears in the blink of an eye.

Theme Tune
Fat bottomed Girls

At least 12

Deborah and David.

"Tummy action! Ooh Juicy!"

Favourite Habits
Nipping ankles, eating, protest pooing, eating, emergency biscuit hoarding, eating, failing to climb trees, eating, lying down, ruining clothing, eating, ruining furniture, banging the door until the servants get up to feed me at 5 in the morning.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
An episode of Autumn Watch, following by a bit of piping (lying on the floor under which the central heating pipes run) to the tune of “Piping it, we’re piping it”. Licking the parmesan cheese left on plates when the servants aren’t looking, lifted into the sink for a drink from the dripping tap, and then hoisted onto the bed for snoozing.

Favourite food
Parmesan cheese, tuna (but it has to be in spring water), biscuit (obviously) and a tiny bit of cream to finish.

Defining moment of your life
Recovering from cat flu having been fed beef tea by a pipette in a steam filled room by my Mum – after which I became a dysfunctional prima donna.

Any enemies?
All other the world

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
Being able to communicate better with the idiots that look after us.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
I am the centre of the universe, and you are all here to serve me. I do not understand the concept of celebrity.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Billy Bear aka The Bear. So I can sit on him.

Brief biography
Discovered in a Norwich garden, this very poorly kitten beat the cat flu odds and moved in with the sickeningly perfect Sefton T. Cat (sadly no longer with us) and has continued to grow for the next 12 years into the thing of rotund splendour we know and love today. Continues to terrorise Billy Bear, even though he only wants love.

Watch Biscuit in action here, here, here and here.

Friday, 25 November 2011

Synchronized Yawning

Yeah, I can get my cats to yawn in time with one another. That's totally normal, right?

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Audition Cat

A kitten in lineup of black cats waits for its audition for the movie Tales of Terror in Hollywood, 1961.

Monday, 21 November 2011

How Long My Cats' Tails Are

It appears that while I was away in Devon over the weekend, my nextdoor neighbours, Deborah and David, who were very kindly feeding my cats for me, decided to measure their tails, and see how they shape up next to the tail of their cat, Biscuit. They then proceeded to write the results on my kitchen blackboard*.

* For regular Under The Paw readers: Billy is the Bear's "other" name.

Read Under The Paw.
Read the sequel, Talk To The Tail.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Catvertising: The Future Of The Internet?

Could really do with getting these guys on the case for the publication of this.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Time Machine

I always have trouble deciding which point in history I'd go back to if I had a time machine. It's so difficult, as there are so many options. Like right now, for example, it's such a hard choice between California in 1970, the Court of Charles II in 1660, or the moment about five minutes ago, just before my cat The Bear spattered my clean bedcovers with a big shitload of puke.

Monday, 7 November 2011

The Difference Between An Encounter Between Two Dogs And An Encounter Between Two Cats

The difference between an encounter between two dogs and an encounter between two cats can be compared to the difference between watching a pair of boozed-up football hooligans greeting each other on the street and watching two college professors - one of whom has recently slept with the other's wife and given his book a scathing review in an academic journal - size each other up over the creme de menthe at a dinner party.

Read Under The Paw.
Read the sequel, Talk To The Tail.

Thursday, 27 October 2011

For Black Cat Awareness Day: Some Pictures Of The Bear

The Bear, the most intellectual character featured in my books Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail, was originally the favourite cat of my ex's ex. Our relationship had its teething troubles, but we're still here, together. He is sixteen and a half now. I am sure that, in that time, he has used up far more than nine lives. He's moved house on umpteen occasions, lost a couple of bits of his ear, gone missing for over a month, got inexplicably stranded on the opposite side of a wide river, been punched into a wall by a tiny grey kitten, and, despite his gentlemanly advances, still can't seem to get his Last Of The Summer Wine romance off the ground with the aging ginger lady cat who lives nextdoor, Biscuit. He is a little wobbly around the haunches, but is in the largely terrific health, and by all appearances - despite being picked and sworn at by his gobby housemate Shipley every so often - happier than he's ever been.

I've known and lived with a lot of black cats over the years, but I don't think I've ever met one who summed up their magic and mystery as much as The Bear. Today is Black Cats Awareness Day - a celebration, instigated by Cats Protection, of black cats, who are all too often overlooked by prospective owners visiting rescue centres - so to mark it I thought I'd post a few of my favourite photos of my most spiritually noir of black cats....

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Ode To A Slightly Bonkers Cat

An uncharacteristic excursion into verse in tribute to Daisy Cox - aka The Slink (1991-2007): an excerpt from Under The Paw

Goodbye The Slink
My Friend
I Never Felt I Really Got To Know You
But I've been places you've been
A couple of Nottinghamshire's more picturesque villages, for example
One of which where car burning
Seemed to be a local sport
And that coal shed at my mum and dad's house where you used to hide from Monty
When he was feeling particularly feisty
You sort of perked up in your later years
Particularly when you went deaf
And could no longer hear my dad's heavy feet
Or his shouts of things like
That must have been nice for you
And it proves that, like Tom Petty says
Even The Losers Get Lucky Sometimes
Not that you knew who Tom Petty was
And even if you had
You probably would have been scared of the beard
That he has sported in more recent years
Almost as scared as you were when I took you and Monty for a walk
It was a sunny day
In the time before I'd really noticed that you looked a little like Hitler
And before the website
Which proved that, in the grand scheme of things, you didn't look that much like him after all
You'd been carrying that feather duster around in your mouth
The one that you must have thought was the world's most docile cockatiel
You seemed in a good mood
And I thought it couldn't hurt
A stroll along the lane
Through DH Lawrence country
With two furry pals
All was going well
For about two hundred yards
Until you saw that Norfolk terrier
And decided for some Slinklike reason
To run straight at it
The little fella didn't know what had hit it
But then not many of us ever did

Sunday, 16 October 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For October: Nancy


I have a few of my own: ‘The Ebony Warrior’; ‘The Feline Pimpernel’; ‘She Who is Fleet of Foot and Nimble of Mind’. However my owners tend to call me ‘Mowchie-Moo’. If you want to know why, you’ll have to ask them.


Big: Melissa and Phil. Little: Suse and Louis. Honorary: anyone who lives within a 5 mile radius of my house. I don’t believe in monogamy when it comes to feline/human relations.

Taxi for Nancy!

Favourite Habits
Following people home, either on foot or by jumping into their cars. Visiting local pubs / shops / schools. Getting stranded at aforesaid places and needing to be collected by my owners.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
It would start with an early nap, followed by dinner: preferably prawns in melted butter, but a pouch of chunks in jelly is acceptable. Then out through the cat flap to find some friendly humans on the street, who I will follow to one of my three local pubs. Here I will meet and greet staff and regulars, and pop into the kitchen for a few titbits. If it’s cold out, I’ll settle down for a nap in front of the fire. At closing time I’ll pick a customer to follow home, spend the night in their house, and wait for my owners to collect me in the morning and take me home for breakfast.

Favourite food
Prawns, curry, or anything served in my local pubs (except for Pork Scratchings – I nearly cracked a tooth on one once).

Defining moment of your life
Probably the first time I appeared in the local newspaper, when I was about five months old. A star was born.

Any enemies?
A ginger tom who lives a few streets away. I won’t dignify him with a name. Let’s just say he’s got a lot to learn about how to treat a lady.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
I’d invent a road-crossing system for feline pedestrians, like a pelican crossing but with the button at cat height. I would have them installed at 100 yard intervals along every road in the country.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Someone once described me as the feline equivalent of Madonna: sassy, ambitious, talented, and opinionated. I prefer to think of Madonna as the human equivalent of me.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Without a doubt, Bootsy. She sounds like my kind of cat. We may both be petite and deceptively cute-looking, but together we could take over the world. If she’s interested, tell her to call me.

Brief biography
I live in Harpenden, Hertfordshire, and became a local celebrity as a kitten, due to my penchant for jumping into strangers’ cars. Contrary to expectations, I never grew out of my fearlessly friendly disposition, and am now feted not only in Harpenden, but by my growing army of Facebook and Twitter followers. My autobiography Sex And The Kitty: A Celebrity Meowmoir is out now.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Sunday, 11 September 2011

The Internal Monologue Of Cats

"This is f**ing great. I hate it." - the internal monologue of cats, most of the time

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Monday, 5 September 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For September: Kozy



Koze, Kozepops, Kozemeister, The Captain, Whiskers McMiaowington, Fluffpants, Fatpants, Poopface, Chewy Cheeks.

Dawn & Iain


Favourite Habits?
Stroking Iain’s ‘face carpet’ with my claws. Brushing Dawn’s hair with my claws (between hours of 3-5am). Walking in a wobbily fashion along the headboard of the bed (between hours of 5-7am), Pigeon Patrol (always on call). Sleeping. Striking a pose. Snoring. Sleeping (so deeply that people poke me to make sure I’m alive. Annoying.). Licking paperbacks (doesn’t everyone?)

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Telling Dawn and Iain about my day, loudly and at great length. After dinner I like to “work the room” (aka jumping on a seat as soon as the occupant stands up even if it’s just for a millisecond, or staring at them so menacingly that they feel too uncomfortable to remain seated.) Naturally my tastes lean towards theatre but I make do with reality police shows ‘Cats with Cameras’ and ‘Traffic Cats’ and very much enjoy an episode of ‘Midsomer Murders’.

Favourite Food?
Tuna. Whiskas’ Temptations. Tuna. Dreamies (treats). Tuna.

Defining moment of your life?
I came from humble beginnings in a less than salubrious Edinburgh suburb, and ended up in a ‘rescue facility’. I spent my time inside working out, and honing my acting and “nuggin” skills to perfection, eventually the gullible fools (Dawn & Iain) fell for it. For six years I have domineered their lives and things are ticking along nicely (apart from a recent ill-judged attempt at teaching me to ‘high-five’. Imbeciles.)

Any Enemies?
Ironing boards. Bin bags. Tinfoil. Imbeciles. Pigeons.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Create more roles for cats in popular TV dramas. Head-butt Duncan Bannatyne until he invested in my patented 24hour non-stop Whiskas’ Temptations dispenser.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
I think, for a meeting of great minds, it would have to be The Bear. I would challenge him to a quizzical stare-off. But, hmm, Ralph and his sideburns have a certain debonair charm…which I find very pleasing.

I am a handsome black & white cat, with a strong, much copied look (I’m talking to you Felix). I’ll gloss over the early years, during which my talents and obvious good looks went unnoticed. I’ve lived with Dawn & Iain in Edinburgh for 6 years and they cater to my needs adequately, although there could always be more tuna on the menu. Although I don’t seek to be centre of attention, there have been a few ‘incidents’... Once the flat flooded and I was paddling paw deep in water before anyone came home to save me. Once the ceiling collapsed and Iain had to dig through the rubble with his bare hands to find me. I was obviously under the bed. He is a fool. Once I went under the floorboards and pretended I was stuck. Iain ripped up half the floor to get me out. He is a fool. And yes, I do all my own stunts.

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Friday, 19 August 2011

The Cat Scan

Got a cat? Got a scanner? Why not scan the cat, and send it to The Cat Scan?

Friday, 29 July 2011

Me And The Bear (And Pablo's Foot)

Due to an administrative error, this was posted here. That aside, cuteboyswithcats is a very good blog.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Thursday, 30 June 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For July: Jem


Coutros Coutros Ghali, Princess Di, Little @$%!£$


Cat. Confusing, isn’t it?

I like to go for a basic ‘Maow’ at ever-increasing volumes, accompanied by the all-important Princess Diana sad eyes.

Favourite habits?
Darting between legs into rooms I’m not allowed in, writhing around on the kitchen floor, getting people to fall madly in love with me.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
I find that an evening isn’t complete without head-butting Cat’s arm to make her spill scalding tea on her lap. If I ever tire of that, I will truly be tired of life.

Favourite food?
Cupcakes, preferably toffee and pecan. I’ve never actually eaten one of these tasty morsels, but that’s not for want of trying. Ooh and I do like a nice bit of parma ham once in a while.

Defining moment of your life?
The epic car journey from London to Edinburgh last year. Imagine, if you will, Frodo’s quest in Lord of the Rings. But with fewer elves and wizards and silliness.

Any enemies?
Heavens, no! But I have, however, noticed a couple of books lying around the house: The Perfect Puppy and Before & After Getting Your Puppy. Surely this must be some kind of sick joke? I’ll get back to you in a couple of weeks and let you know.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
In any civilized world, all floors should be carpeted. There’s nothing more demeaning than cornering like a bad cartoon when chasing my sister from one room to another.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Princess Diana, God rest her soul. But I suppose I’ll have to settle for that Kate Middleton. Her hair is almost as glossy as mine. We could swap grooming tips.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Janet, dammit. He was a prince among cats. AND SO VERY HANDSOME!

My sister and I arrived in the world and were swiftly abandoned on a shop roof. Sadly I can’t remember which shop, but I like to think it was Selfridges. If anyone tells you it was a mobile phone kiosk next door to Chicken Cottage, they are LYING.
Luckily the lovely people at Celia Hammond came to our rescue and took us to a magical place called Lewisham. Where we waited. And waited. And waited some more. For some reason all the other cats were picked before us. Scout blamed me, of course, but it’s not my fault I’m missing half a leg, is it?!
After three long months Cat came along, I pulled the old Princess Diana eyes trick and the rest, as they say, is history. Some other things have happened since then, but you’ll have to wait for the impending New York Times bestselling official biography to find out the juicy details.

For more info on Jem's human's work, go to