Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Some Norfolk Cows: An Encounter
Cows were like, "What are you doing in our field?". And I was like, "Well, it's actually a public footpath. I saw the sign." And cows were like, "Oh no you didn't." And I was like, "No, honestly, I did. Plus, it says so, right here, in my AA Guide To Norfolk Walks, right where it advises me to 'strike out across a field' in that overexcitable language that the authors of these things sometimes tend to use, to break the monotony of having to write the word 'waypost' seventy times a day." And cows were like, "Well, you can cock off if you think you're striking out across our field." And I was like, "Just watch me. I'm striking." And cows were like, "Well, just watch us. We're running, and charging at you." And I was like, "Okay, I'm in no rush. Maybe I can find a different way to head back in the direction of Long Stratton." And cows were like, "Yeah you can." And I was like, "No need to get nasty." And cows were like, "But we are nasty. Especially Geoff, on the far left. She's brown, and particularly big." And I was like, "What kind of idiot cow calls itself Geoff." And cows were like, "Geoff. That's who. Don't mess with her. Look. She's just done a massive shit. In public. That's how much of a mad bastard she is." And I was like, "Look, I'm leaving." And they were like, "No, you're not leaving at all. You're passing very slowly around the edge of the field, giving the impression that you're leaving, yet actually working towards your original destination." And I was like, "Yeah I am. What you gonna do about it?" And cows were like, "Well, nothing, actually. For reasons only known to ourselves, if that, we find that sort of movement less of a concern." And then all fourteen of us resumed the business of our day, without further debate.